(To Mr. H. B.) London, 1808

Dear Sir,

For three weeks after I wrote to you last, I enjoyed much of God's presence; "the candle of the Lord" shone bright upon my head and "his visitation preserved my spirit;" and I often thought this was fitting me for some serious affliction, and that I would soon be fast "bound in affliction and iron." And surely the thing that I greatly feared came upon me, so that my spirit was overwhelmed within me.

The enemy tried hard to turn me out of the chapel, telling me I was not fit to walk about; he has made me to skulk and hide myself where I could, like a thief that is detected. He followed me as close in my business, so that I was obliged to resign much of my employment. These things made me cry infinitely to God for help, for I knew not where it would all end. I could neither eat, drink, nor sleep; everybody perceived something was wrong with me, but none could find out the cause, for I told nobody the real state of my case. O what a hornet's nest appeared within! What rebellion, self-will, what tender compassion for self, and what secret anger sometimes against God—for not appearing immediately to deliver me!

I have often lain on the floor weeping and calling upon God for a long time together, and it seemed as if the more I cried and groaned, the less help I found. I thought I went in faith; but alas! there was no resignation, and conscience has often secretly told me that from my heart I could not add these words, "if consistent with your righteous will." O no! I would gladly be delivered at all events; no patiently waiting, nor quietly hoping. Here I lay for six weeks, like a fool brayed in a mortar.

God has at length given me light and understanding to see that it was his hand upon me, and that for good. He has given me a measure of fitness and submission, and enabled me feelingly to say, "I will bear the indignation of the Lord, because I have sinned against him." But then I am more brutish and prouder than any man, and therefore the furnace must be heated sevenfold. I would be something, and God is showing me that I am less than nothing. I was taking the highest room; but God has said, go down to the lowest, and give every man place.

Yours faithfully, James Bourne

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(To his sister E.) 1807

Dear Sister, 

I was permitted for years to go on in my own strength, to let me see what mighty acts I could perform. A self-righteous spirit will lead us to make such a patch-work garment as will for a while conceal the filthy imaginations of the heart; and thus, we carefully preserve our reputation and honor and get the name of devout Christians; the chief of our food is the applause of those about us. If we are disposed to exercise our charity, we take care to blow the trumpet, lest we should not be seen by men; and leave nothing undone but the weightier matters of the law. But as God had purposes of grace towards me, I was not allowed to go on in this spirit to the end; for all my fair and fond hopes of keeping everything straight, shunning the cross, and appearing outwardly devout, were brought down being founded on my own strength and on my own wisdom. I was permitted to raise this airy tower until it reached nearly to Heaven but the Lord looked down and scattered all my lofty thoughts, and I was obliged to acknowledge that the wisdom of man is foolishness with God, and I was so hemmed in on every side as to be made to cry, "Lord, save me, or I perish!" 

In this frame of mind, I was allowed to continue for some time, until I was filled with my own devices (Proverbs 1:30). I felt much pity for myself and much enmity against God, and thought I was dealt harshly with; and began to look for nothing but the fiery indignation of the Lord. Every refuge seemed to fail me, every false confidence was destroyed; my life hung in perpetual doubt, and every outward providence untoward. But underneath all this there certainly was an almighty arm of mercy, so that though exceedingly perplexed, I was not in utter despair; and it was in the midst of the darkest outward providences that the Lord was pleased to raise my soul to a hope that Jesus would reveal himself to me as my friend; and in the strength of this I was enabled to go many days. For faith, though "as a grain of mustard seed," yet being of the operation of the Holy Spirit, will enable us to creep along fearful of our own strength, looking to Christ for strength, hoping and despairing. So it was with me, until at length be revealed himself to me as the sinner's all in all; and then I knew the Lord by this most glorious name "I AM THAT I AM." 

Yours affectionately, James Bourne

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"The Barber"

Dear Sir, 

As it respects 'The Barber," I can speak with confidence. It was the first book that ever was attended with light, as well as power, to show me the desperate condition I was in. I had been convicted, and I believe it was the Spirit of God that convicted me; yet I had not light to understand what it meant; and I went on in misery and vexation eighteen years, until this book (whoever likes or dislikes it) fell into my hands. 

I always determined never to read Mr. Huntington's controversial books, lest I should be prejudiced against his preaching; because I was told they were cruel and abusive, and written in a bad spirit. But one night, walking along Oxford Street, I thought I would turn into a bookshop and ask if they had any of Mr. Huntington's works. They replied that they had The Barber and another, both of which I bought, and immediately read. Until then I knew nothing of the spider's web I had been weaving; but that book plainly showed me the difference between the letter and the spirit, the form of godliness and the power. 

God by it so entangled me with my own deceiving's, that I was forced to cry out, "Lord, save me, or I perish." Let who will find fault with The Barber or his bad spirit, I will thank God that he should condescend to send that book with such power to my heart and will pray that the author may be established in his own soul and blessed in all his labors. 

 Yours faithfully, James Bourne

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