Showing posts with label One Liners. Show all posts
Showing posts with label One Liners. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Advice From An Old Farmer

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.


Live a good, honorable life… Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

Don ‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.


If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.


Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.

Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Out of the Mouth of Babes

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After awhile he asked: "Mom, Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."




D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city , but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, little James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew . Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The sermon I think this Mom will never forget ... this particular Sunday ... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Smart Sentences


When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique.  Just like everyone else.


Well done is better than well said.

If you can't see the bright side of life,  polish the dull side.

Where there's a will ... there are five hundred relatives.


Everybody wants to go to heaven.  But, nobody wants to die.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand, and makes it sound confusing.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.  シ


[message from the Internet]

Thursday, April 19, 2012

It's a Dog's Life

❤ - ❤ - ❤

If a dog was the teacher, you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

[Author Unknown]

❤ - ❤ - ❤

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Wisdom Garden

❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀

God makes a promise. Faith believes it. Hope anticipates it. Patience quietly awaits it.

The best way to stand up before the world is to kneel down before God.

If you want to defend Christianity, practice it!

Worry looks around. Sorry looks back. Faith looks up.

The Bible contains the vitamins of soul health.

Confessing your sins is no substitute for forsaking them.

Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet.

A coincidence is when God performs a miracle and decides to remain anonymous.

When satan is knocking at your door, simply say, "Jesus, could you please get that for me."

Don't go digging where God has buried your sins.


If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.

In the dark? Follow the Son.

The most essential element in any home is God.

Thank God for what you have -- Trust God for what you need.

Your life may be the only bible some people read.

Feed your faith and doubt will starve to death.

God still speaks to those who take the time to listen.

God looks not to the quantity of the gift but to the quality of the giver.

A Christian is a living sermon whether or not he preaches a word.

When we have done what we can, God will do what we can't.

When God measures a man, he puts the tape around the heart.

❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀

Proverbs 10:23 ... It is as sport to a fool to do mischief: but a man of understanding hath wisdom. ❤

Monday, March 12, 2012

When You Feel Like ...

When you feel like frowning, smile.

When you feel like crying, laugh.

When you feel like quitting, start over.

When you feel like yelling, whisper.

When you feel like hating, love.

When you feel like falling, stand.

When you feel like giving up, hold on tighter.

When you feel like dying, live.

When you feel like talking, listen.

When you feel like complaining, appreciate.

When you feel like closing your heart, care.

When you feel like you can’t do it, try.

When you feel like you can’t reach it, believe.

[Author Unknown]

~ Have faith in God. Mark 11:22 ❤

Sunday, March 4, 2012

No Excuse Sunday

To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday" ~

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."

There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.

Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.

We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."

Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.

Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.

Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.

We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.

One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.

Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.

The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.

We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud!


[Author Unknown]

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Simple Quotes



✿ Laugh when you can

✿ Apologize when you should

✿ Let go of what you can't change

✿ Love deeply

✿ Forgive and forget

✿ You can't start a fire without a spark

✿ The most powerful weapon in earth is the human soul on fire for God

✿ Take chances and give your everything

✿ God is never in a hurry, but he is never late

✿ Life is too short to be anything but happy

✿ Be content with what you have

✿ The one who walks with the Lord may be lonely on occasion but never alone

✿ You will never stumble while on your knees

✿ My entire theology can be condensed into four words: "Jesus died for me"

✿ The Lord doesn't take you into deep water to drown us but to develop us

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Out of The Mouth of Babes

✿ Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8

✿ Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Age 11

✿ Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10

✿ Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9




✿ Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9

✿ Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10

✿ Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10

✿ Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11

[message from the Internet]

Image: Flickr - Adam C. Smith Photography

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Thoughts to Ponder



Words can't break bones, but they can break hearts.

Those who walk with God won't run from people's needs.

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up.

We're richer when we give, and poorer when we keep.

Because of the cross of Christ, we can become friends of Christ.

Amid the darkness of sin, the light of God's grace shines in.

Enthusiasm for Christ is contagious -- has anyone caught it from you?

Be as patient with others as God has been with you.



It is better by far to die for something, than to live for nothing.

The God who sends you free will also sustain you.

It's always darkest before the dawn.

To change your outlook, remember God's looking out for you.

Confession of sin is not an admission of weakness, but a sign of strength.

The harder you work at what you should be, the less you'll try to hide what you are.

Reading the Bible without meditating on it is like eating without chewing.

Work well done for Christ will receive a "well done" from Christ.

Don't complain over what the world is coming to -- proclaim the One who is coming to the world.

Spiritual victory comes only to those who are prepared for battle.

Apply yourself to the scriptures, and the scriptures to yourself.

The Bible is not meant merely to inform, but to transform.

Grace is everything, for nothing, to those who don't deserve anything.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of fear.

If you keep in step with God, you'll be out of step with the world.

Salvation is so simple we can overlook it, so profound we can never comprehend it.

To avoid lying, do nothing that needs to be covered-up.

Give your all to Christ, who gave His all for you.

There is always enough time to do God's will.

Love always seeks to help, never to hurt.

Never try to carry tomorrow's burdens with today's grace.

Nails could not have kept Jesus on the cross, had love not held Him there.

[Message from the Internet]

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Church Bulletins/Bloopers

You may have seen some of these before, but if you need a sanctified chuckle, check out these actual mistakes found in church bulletins....


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM… Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

[Message from the Internet] シ

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Christian One Liners

God answers Knee-Mail.

The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.

God doesn't grade on the curve, He grades on the cross.

If God is your Copilot - you're in the wrong seat!

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

Prayer: don't give God instructions, just report for duty!

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

We don’t change the message, the message change us.

God didn't promise a calm passage. He promised a safe landing.



Exposure to the Son prevents burning.

The will of God will not take you to where the grace of God will not protect you.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

The best mathematical equation: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

When God ordains, He sustains.

Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.

Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.