Pumpkin Jokes

 🎃 What does a queasy pumpkin say? "I don't feel so gourd." 

🎃 What do you call a fat jack-o'-lantern? Plump-kin.

🎃 Where do pumpkins live? In the seedy part of town.

🎃 Why are jack-o'-lanterns so smart? A candle makes them bright.

🎃 What is black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin with a pumpkin.

🎃 Where does a pumpkin preach? From the pulp-it.

🎃 What do adventurous pumpkins do for fun? Go bungee gourd jumping.

🎃 What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin? "You look a little sick."

🎃 What did one pumpkin say to the other? "Happy Hollowing!"

🎃 Why do pumpkins sit on people's porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.

🎃 Why do pumpkins perform so poorly in school? Because they had all their brains scooped out.

🎃 What kind of romance do pumpkins enjoy? A mushy romance.

🎃 What's the problem with eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year? You'll get autumn-y ache.

🎃 When asked how he was feeling, what did the pumpkin say? "I'm vine, thanks!"

🎃 What did the pumpkin say to the pie baker? "Use apples, instead."

🎃 What did the pumpkin say after Thanksgiving? "Good pie, everyone."

🎃 What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.

🎃 Where do pumpkins hold meetings? In the gourd room.

🎃 What do you call a pumpkin that works at the beach? A life gourd.

🎃 What's a pumpkin's favorite genre? Pulp fiction.

🎃 What does a pumpkin use to repair its pants? A pumpkin patch!

🎃 Why was the jack-o'-lantern afraid to cross the road? It had no guts!

🎃 What did one pumpkin say to the pumpkin who asked where the patch was? Ah, a talking pumpkin!

🎃 How does a pumpkin listen to Halloween music? On vine-eel.

🎃 What's a pumpkin's favorite Western? The Gourd, The Bad, and The Ugly.

🎃 Why was Cinderella bad at football? She had a pumpkin for a coach.

🎃 What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter? Pumpkin pie.

🎃What is a pumpkin's favorite sport? Squash.

🎃 Who helped the baby pumpkin cross the road? The crossing gourd.

🎃 What do pumpkins say at happy hour? Let's get smashed.

🎃 What did the jack-o'-lantern say to its barber? Surprise me!

🎃 What did the pumpkin say to its carver? Cut it out!

🎃 What do you call an athletic pumpkin? A jock-o-lantern.

🎃 How do you repair a broken jack-o'-lantern? Use a pumpkin patch.

🎃 Why was Cinderella sticky at the ball? Because she went there in a pumpkin!

🎃 Why was the jack-o'-lantern so forgetful? Because he's empty-headed.

[The Pioneer Woman]

The Sin of Lying

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.” 

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. 

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.” ツ

 [from the Internet] 

Proverbs 12:22 ...  Lying lips are abomination to the Lord: but they that deal truly are his delight.

✫❤•°*”˜˜”*°•.❤✫...•°*”˜˜”*°•.❤✫...•°*”˜˜”*°•.❤✫

Watching The Apples

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of an elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." ツ 

 

His and Hers

HIS APOLOGY: 

Hi Sweetheart, I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights. I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something. I realize that I was wrong, and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy. All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season. Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights! I took the time to hang the lights for you today; and now I will be off to the hockey rink.

HER REPONSE: 

Hi Honey, Thank you for the heart-felt apology. I don't often get an apology from you, and I truly appreciate it. I too felt bad about the argument and wanted to apologize. I realize that I can sometimes be a little pushy. I will try to respect your feelings from now on. Thank you for taking the time to hang the Christmas lights for me. It really means a lot. In the spirit of giving, I washed your truck for you; and now I'm off to the mall. I love you too!

ツ ツ ツ ツ ツ ツ ツ ツ 

Three Gifts...

Gold, Myrrh, and Frankenstein.

Matthew 2:11 ... And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense and myrrh. ❤

Signed?

 Not sure how they pulled that off. ツ 

The Drawing.

 

Our six-year-old handed us a note. His teacher had called my wife and I in for an emergency meeting. We asked our son if he had any idea why, and he said, "She didn't like a drawing I did." 

We went in the next day. His teacher pulled the drawing below out and said, "I asked him to draw his family and he drew this. Would you mind explaining?" "Not at all." my wife said. "Family vacation. Snorkeling off the Bahamas. ツ  (Taken from the Internet) 

Different Hymns for Different Folks

 The Dentist's Hymn ... Crown Him with Many Crowns

The Weatherman's Hymn ... There Shall Be Showers of Blessing

The Contractor's Hymn ... The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn ... Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn ... There is A Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn ... Standing on the Promises

The Optometrist's Hymn ... Open My Eyes That I Might See

The Tax Agent's Hymn ... I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn ... Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn ... Send the Light

The Shopper's Hymn ... Sweet By and By

The Realtor's Hymn ... I've Got A Mansion Just Over the Hilltop

The Pilot's Hymn ... I'll Fly Away

The Paramedic's Hymn ... Revive Us Again

The Judge's Hymn ... Almost Persuaded

The Psychiatrist's Hymn ... Just A Little Talk With Jesus

The Architect's Hymn ... How Firm A Foundation

The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn ... A Charge To Keep I Have

The Zookeeper's Hymn ... All Creatures of Our God and King

The Postal Worker's Hymn ... So Send I You

The Waiter's Hymn ... Fill My Cup, Lord

The Gardener's Hymn ... Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming

The Lifeguard's Hymn ... Rescue the Perishing

The Criminal's Hymn ... Search Me, O God

The Baker's Hymn ... When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder

The Shoe Repairer's Hymn ... It Is Well with My Soul

The Travel Agent's Hymn ... Anywhere with Jesus

The Geologist's Hymn ... Rock of Ages

The Hematologist's Hymn ... Are You Washed in the Blood?

The Men's wear Clerk's Hymn ... Blest Be the Tie

The Umpire's Hymn ... I Need No Other Argument

The Librarian's Hymn ... Whispering Hope

The Fisherman's Hymn ... Shall We Gather at The River?  ツ 

The Track

 

A Pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An Optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A Realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the track. ツ 

Hillbilly Wisdom

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. 

Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance. 

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. 

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. 

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. 

The best sermons are lived, not preached. 

If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the time to do it twice. 

Don't corner something that is meaner than you. 

Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you. 

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge. 

You cannot unsay a cruel word. 

Every path has a few puddles. 

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. 

Don't be banging your shin on a stool that's not in the way. 

Borrowing trouble from the future doesn't deplete the supply. 

Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway. 

Don’t judge folks by their relatives. 

Silence is sometimes the best answer. 

Don‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin' you none. 

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’. 

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. 

The biggest troublemaker you’ll ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’. 

Always drink upstream from the herd. 

Good judgment comes from experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in. 

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around. 

Live a good, honorable life. 

Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time. 

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. 

Most times, it just gets down to common sense. ツ 

[message from the Internet]

Unanswered Questions.

I just turned 60 years old, and I have so many unanswered questions!

I still haven't found out who let the dogs out or where the beef is.

I still don't know how to get to Sesame Street, and in this age of technology, why doesn't Dora just use Google Maps?

Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same, or just how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Why are eggs and light bulbs packaged in a flimsy container, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails?

Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors!

I still don't understand why there is Braille on drive-up ATM's or why "abbreviated" is such a long word.

Why is there a "D" in "fridge" but not in "refrigerator."?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, yet dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

And why do you have to "put your two cents in," but it's only a "penny for your thoughts." Where's that extra penny going to anyway?

Why does the Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune, and why did you just try to sing those two previous songs?

And just what is Victoria's secret?

And what would you do for a Klondike bar when you know as soon as you bite into it it's going to fall apart?

Does she or doesn't she what?

Why do you care if I got milk?

And do you really think I am this witty?! I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's uncle's cousin's baby momma's doctor who lived next door to an old classmate's mailman! Now it is your turn to take it from me. ツ 

Still Learning

Lessons that I have learned (and still learning) throughout my life:

                   Man cannot be trusted.

Preachers and pastors sometimes lie, not all, just those who do.

Money doesn't grow on trees, so get a job planting trees.

God doesn't always get his way, sometimes he does, but not always.

Satan might have encouraged it, said it, or implied it, but most of the time WE fulfilled it.

Prayer works, but the telephone is a close second.

Faith will move mountains, but pride will plant the flag that no man can reach.

Africa is hot, and lions eat slow runners.

Jesus is coming back, so look busy. Better yet, brush up on John 3:16 to sound real spiritual when he gets here.

You ain't Jesus, neither am I. So why you be judging all the time?

False prophets are always correct, even when they're false. (think about it)

When a five-year-old tells you they love you, believe it. And when they tell you that they REALLY got to go to the bathroom, believe that too.  ツ

Warshing Clothes

Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert.

Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water.

Sort things, make 3 piles

1 pile white,

1 pile colored,

1 pile work britches and rags. 

To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with boiling water.

Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard and boil, then rub colored don't boil just wrench and starch.

Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench, and starch.

Hang old rags on fence.

Spread tea towels on grass.

Pore wrench water in flower bed. Scrub porch with hot soapy water.

Turn tubs upside down.

Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.   ツ

[Unknown Author]

Hillary's Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." 

"Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" the man asked. "Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office.  He's using it as a ceiling fan."  ツ

During A Battle

There was a captain sailing on the sea during a battle. His servant came up to him and the captain said, "bring me my red shirt".

So, the servant did as the captain said.

After that the servant came up to the captain and said, Why did you say bring me my red shirt"?

The captain said, "Well if i get shot they won't see the blood.

The next day the servant came up to the captain and said, "Captain, there are 50 enemy ships on the horizon."

The captain said, "Bring me my brown pants." ツ

[Unknown]

Saint Pelosi

Last Saturday afternoon in Washington, D.C. an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic Cathedral. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over some of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to you if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the Church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Ms. Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Ms. Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded. "But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Ms. Pelosi is a saint."  ツ

Parachutes

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but had only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Laker's need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a Senator from New York , and a potential future president. I am the smartest woman in American history, so America 's people don't want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm the Governor from the great state of Texas. I was the 43rd President of the United States.  So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, Donald J. Trump, said to the fifth passenger, a  10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life,  I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."  ツ

Political Debate

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road.  We will have a door for legal chickens.

CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to water board that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.

MARCO RUBIO: Let's dispel this notion that Barack Obama does not know what he's doing.  He knows exactly what he is doing. He wants to fundamentally transform the chicken.  [One minute later] Let's dispel this notion that Barack Obama does not know what he's doing.  He knows exactly what he is doing. He wants to fundamentally transform the chicken. 

JOHN KASICH: The light has shined so now the chicken can cross the road without the darkness.

RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.

CARLY FIORINA: Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.

JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.

NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.

BRIAN WILLIAMS: I was there when the chicken crossed the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road? 

TED CRUZ: And, I would note, if there is anything that Americans should get down on their knees and pray about, it is the chicken crossing the road.

JEB BUSH: We ought to be able to figure out why the chicken crossed the road.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs.  No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs.  Period.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.  We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.  The chicken is either with us or against us.  There is no middle ground here.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

BERNIE SANDERS: The American people are sick and tired of hearing about the damn chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road.  What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

BEN CARSON: I almost fell asleep waiting for my turn to answer.  This isn't brain surgery.  So why did the chicken cross the road?

OPRAH: Well, I want to encourage the chicken to cross the road.  Where there is no struggle, there is no strength.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because she's guilty!  You can see it in her eyes, and in the way she walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: The chicken crossed the road to steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road?  Did she cross it with a toad?  Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken.15.01.03-2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?  ツ

Image: Big Think .Com

The Stethoscope

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones' chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own heart.

Their eyes would always light up with awe, but he never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment.

Gently he tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. 'Listen', he said, 'What do you suppose that is?'

David drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked, 'Is that Jesus knocking?' ツ

Three Sisters

Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."

She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."  ツ

Image: Pat Brennan Art